What they DON'T tell you in Prenatal Classes.

Alice the Camel BEFORE she had a baby.

Alice the Camel AFTER she had a baby.

Some things you just can't be prepared for.

Cries of Desperation from the Bakery Floor

I have not been spending a lot of time at my computer these days. There hasn’t been a lot of extra time, what with all the laying around with my feet up in a sad attempt to keep the blood pressure at bay, and to keep my ankles from looking like watermelons. The question that keeps running through my mind (in between pleading with baby to "head towards the light") is this – why does it take so long to make a baby? I mean c’mon now…is all this time REALLY necessary? How done does this little bun need to be?

Three more weeks to go, and I’m not going to lie to you – I am miserable. I keep trying to remind myself of how long I waited for this, and what a great privilege it is to be pregnant. But I feel so...DONE. And I want this little bun to be done too. I have found myself in tears on more that one occasion, telling Harv that I CANNOT be pregnant for even ONE MORE DAY. And yet…today is another day…and guess what? STILL PREGNANT.

I have a whole new appreciation for beached whales. And for mothers of more than one. And for the crazy 60 year old in the news who carried those twins for 9 months. I have a few strong opinions on parenting at that stage in life…but I can still admire her for dragging her poor body through the pregnancy at that age. I thought mid thirties was bad enough.

I’m so tired.

I’m so sore.

Please tell me there will be an end to this. Eventually this baby HAS to come out right?

The Unsettling Act of Settling

So the boxes, though still aplenty are slowly (emphasis on slowly) being emptied. My computer is finally out of a box and set up in a somewhat temporary situation, but set up none the less. I can’t say the same about the TV unfortunately. I’m really missing that. Harv’s first week has come and gone, and we have made it through 2 official Sundays. So far so good. This has been a month of many changes. Slowly (and again, emphasis on slowly) things are starting to feel a little familiar. Not so much with me as far as church and town goes – but as far as the house and where we are living. It is starting to feel a little more like home. I haven’t really done any decorating – so it actually feels like I am living in a really nice hotel that I quite like – but it doesn’t quite feel like “me”. Not yet anyway. I have however, taken to country living like a fish to water. It is quiet and peaceful and I can’t believe that I had my doubts.

I had some anxiety about “starting”. This month – though hectic beyond belief has been such a nice break. I have LOVED having Harv around, having no expectations, and not being “the Pastor’s wife”. I loved feeling like we had a choice about things -about our schedule, and who we spent time with, (or if we spent time with anyone!). I thought that after a month I would be ready to have Harv start. But I did not feel ready. And I felt quite frustrated with myself about how I was feeling. But I think it’s getting better. Or maybe I have just been distracted…

The pregnancy, which is moving right along now, has been taking up all my waking thoughts. Though I was progressing quite nicely (if I do say so myself) in Saskatchewan, it seems like it has all fallen apart with this move. OK – that sounds a little dramatic. But my blood pressure has gone up to concerning levels, and Dr’s started throwing around words like high risk and bed rest, and taking the baby out early. This was quite disconcerting for a first time prego like myself. I have now been referred to a specialist – who is apparently amazing with high risk deliveries. We now have to go into Winnipeg once a week, for monitoring and I will have to deliver in Winnipeg. I am ok with that – as long as Harv doesn’t have to deliver this baby in the back of our car on the way to Winnipeg. I have 7 weeks to go – so I am concentrating on getting lots of rest, and putting my feet up. This is not necessarily the easiest thing to do when one has just moved into a new house and all the nesting instincts are completely running amuck. Good thing we finally get our TV hooked up on Wednesday. Maybe I can keep my feet up while catching up on all the TV I have missed for the last month. Good times.

Missing Out

Do you ever feel like you are missing out? I have been feeling like that a lot lately. I know it is bound to happen when you reside in a separate province from family and friends, but lately I have been feeling the sting of it most sharply. Permit me to whine for a moment will you?

It was a quiet Thanksgiving. We missed out. Mom and Dad usually come here for Thanksgiving, but they had a wedding on the weekend and didn’t come. In desperation I even tried to farm myself out to some of the church members, but they were busy with their own family stuff. I did get some looks of pity though. That was…nice. I was so desperate for turkey and stuffing we went to the local buffet restaurant just to get some. We pretended it wasn’t as pathetic as it sounds. Sigh

On Tuesday, I phoned home to talk to my sister who was out for the weekend. They were all there (Mom and Dad, both my beloved sisters, and my dear nieces and nephews.) I was missing out. (Oh ya, the husbands were there too. They usually get overshadowed by the sisterly bonding and the antics of the children). And I was in Saskatchewan. Missing out. Again.

And then there is today. The big one. The event of the year. The Grand Poobah of all things to miss. As I write, my mom and my sisters are on a plane flying to the USA for a Women of Faith conference. The very conference that my sister and I have been planning and dreaming and scheming for almost a year now. The one with all details carefully and happily planned…from the conference to the hotel, to the shopping at Mall of America, to the…sniff, visit to…*catch in my voice*…IKEA. But I am missing out. I think I may have to stick my head in a blender.

We had no idea. We had no idea when we started planning this, that I would be 5 months pregnant. How was I to know? There was no way to predict this. And there was no way I could predict the extreme exhaustion I would feel, and how this baby would suck the very life out of me. (There is a reason they don’t advise children after 35.) There was no way I could predict the horrible, debilitating backaches. There was no way I could sit for 2 days straight, unless somehow I could smuggle in a lazy boy and a couple of pillows. Basically I knew when the Doctor frowned on the whole idea, and informed me I would have to wear compression stockings to prevent the blood clots that run rampant in my family, that the idea was dead in the water for me.

So I am missing out. And this time it really cuts deep. And I don’t mind saying, I'm feeling quite despondent about the whole thing.

But then…I’m not missing out on everything. I get to have a baby. And I get to feel this little one squirm around. I get to dream dreams for him or make plans for her. I get to think of names and nursery colors. Somehow that sweetens the whole sourness of this day. Well, that and chocolate. Trust me, just because I can see the bigger picture, does not mean I’m not wallowing in a grieving hole of chocolate filled sorrow. That is something else I am definitely not missing out on.

Excuse Me, But Did Anyone Happen to See My Brain?

It seems to be missing.

Seriously, I think I have misplaced my brain, and I can’t seem to find it. I don’t know what is going on with me. Well, I do…it’s called pregnancy, and apparently brain loss is one of the symptoms. I’ll admit, in the past I didn’t really believe that one, but I have now been enlightened…or rather…dimmed (that seems a more appropriate term for how I am feeling).

Today I was floored to discover that my nephew is going into grade 9. Grade nine. How did he get there so fast? I was SURE it was grade 8 he was going into, even though I know that last year he was in grade 8. Do I think that after 8 comes…8? I don’t know how I missed a year without missing a year. That’s a real head scratcher.

And I’m all forgetful. Today I forgot that I was invited to a birthday supper. And I never forget things like that. Even sometimes when I wish that I could “forget”, I remember all the more.

And I feel all zoned out. I’ll be talking to Harv, and be in the middle of a sentence, and I'll just sort of…faze out, and have no idea what I was talking about. A lot of the time I feel like I am just floating around…confused.

And why is the "If I Only Had a Brain" song from The Wizard of Oz stuck in my head these days, playing over and over again? Sigh.

Please, PLEASE tell me that I will return to my faculties once this baby is born, or at least in time for its high school graduation!?!

So I'm Having a Baby!!

So I’m having a baby! Even just writing that sentence makes me shake my head in disbelief. I still can’t quite get my mind around it. Somehow I feel like I am “playing house” and it’s not really true. But then the harsh reminders of exhaustion, constipation, heartburn and an expanding waistline bring me back to the reality and truthfulness of the situation. And even with all those symptoms and more I still grin shyly and think to myself…can this be happening? And I feel extreme joy. Joy and terror. But still joy.

I know it happens every day, and the miracle of life is all around me. But after you have been told for more than 6 years that this was never going to happen for you, you start to believe that it never would. And after countless negative pregnancy tests and tears wiped away, and brave faces put on lonely Mother’s days you start to adjust, just a little. But then one day it all changes. And it feels a bit like a dream. A life long dream actually.

A month ago I came out of the bathroom with a white face and a look of absolute shock, clutching the stick and whispering reverently to Harv “I’m pregnant.” He, who was actually reading the newspaper, fully preparing to comfort a yet again thwarted baby hope from a disappointed wife, jumped up and stated very matter-of-factly “No you are not!” We immediately drove to Wal-Mart and got a different brand. Three tests later, all with the same results and it was starting to sink in. But yet, it still hasn’t completely. It is an absolute miracle, this little surprise of mine. It has surprised us all. A total miracle.

So apparently I missed my first two months – though I do remember feeling VERY tired. My mom thinks I’m pretty lucky to have sailed through two months of my pregnancy, and I tend to agree with her, as it seems that as soon as I found out “officially” my symptoms kicked it up a notch. Tomorrow I enter my second trimester, and in early March hopefully we will meet this little person that we are wondering so much about. Until then, I’ll be waiting…

i’ve been waiting for you now
no more wondering about me-
whether or not this miracle of life
would EVER happen inside me

now I can wonder about you-
about what color threads
He’s weaving you with

brown eyes or blue
will you like to swim or draw
bake bread or engineer buildings
will you throw your head back
and laugh hard
or just grin

i don’t know
i don’t know

but i do know that i will
love to hear you call my name
i will love to feel your tiny
hand in mine
i will love to watch your tummy
rise and fall
in sweet sleep

and i know sometimes you
will hate me
sometimes you will shrink from
my touch
sometimes your fevered breathing
will rattle my soul
in the dark dark night

but until then
please baby grow strong
take all you can from me please

until then
i’ll be waiting for you

Julie Martin
A Time to Be Born

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