So I'm Having a Baby!!

So I’m having a baby! Even just writing that sentence makes me shake my head in disbelief. I still can’t quite get my mind around it. Somehow I feel like I am “playing house” and it’s not really true. But then the harsh reminders of exhaustion, constipation, heartburn and an expanding waistline bring me back to the reality and truthfulness of the situation. And even with all those symptoms and more I still grin shyly and think to myself…can this be happening? And I feel extreme joy. Joy and terror. But still joy.

I know it happens every day, and the miracle of life is all around me. But after you have been told for more than 6 years that this was never going to happen for you, you start to believe that it never would. And after countless negative pregnancy tests and tears wiped away, and brave faces put on lonely Mother’s days you start to adjust, just a little. But then one day it all changes. And it feels a bit like a dream. A life long dream actually.

A month ago I came out of the bathroom with a white face and a look of absolute shock, clutching the stick and whispering reverently to Harv “I’m pregnant.” He, who was actually reading the newspaper, fully preparing to comfort a yet again thwarted baby hope from a disappointed wife, jumped up and stated very matter-of-factly “No you are not!” We immediately drove to Wal-Mart and got a different brand. Three tests later, all with the same results and it was starting to sink in. But yet, it still hasn’t completely. It is an absolute miracle, this little surprise of mine. It has surprised us all. A total miracle.

So apparently I missed my first two months – though I do remember feeling VERY tired. My mom thinks I’m pretty lucky to have sailed through two months of my pregnancy, and I tend to agree with her, as it seems that as soon as I found out “officially” my symptoms kicked it up a notch. Tomorrow I enter my second trimester, and in early March hopefully we will meet this little person that we are wondering so much about. Until then, I’ll be waiting…

i’ve been waiting for you now
no more wondering about me-
whether or not this miracle of life
would EVER happen inside me

now I can wonder about you-
about what color threads
He’s weaving you with

brown eyes or blue
will you like to swim or draw
bake bread or engineer buildings
will you throw your head back
and laugh hard
or just grin

i don’t know
i don’t know

but i do know that i will
love to hear you call my name
i will love to feel your tiny
hand in mine
i will love to watch your tummy
rise and fall
in sweet sleep

and i know sometimes you
will hate me
sometimes you will shrink from
my touch
sometimes your fevered breathing
will rattle my soul
in the dark dark night

but until then
please baby grow strong
take all you can from me please

until then
i’ll be waiting for you

Julie Martin
A Time to Be Born