A Momentary Leaving of the Leaves

I’m taking a leaf break. I am learning to live in balance, and so I am on a leaf break. I picked up this fridge magnet in Victoria that simply states “Live in Balance”. And seeing as how I do not have a balanced bone in my body, I have decided to start with a leaf break.

Baby steps.

I am very extreme. I do not do things half way. It’s either all the way, or not at all. I will clean the house, the closets, the nooks and crannies until it glistens like a castle of grandeur; or I will live in squalor, covered in my own filth and clutter. Ok it’s not quite that bad, but almost. I will blog like crazy, or not post for almost a month. I will be the best pastor’s wife that anyone has ever seen, visiting everyone and volunteering for everything, or I will not leave the house for two weeks. I am all or nothing. I do it all or not at all. Unfortunately, it usually happens that “not at all” wins out. This can leave one feeling quite unaccomplished in their life. (But that is another subject entirely and seeing I don’t have time to get into it in its entirety…I will not say anything about it at all. You see…I can’t help myself.)

I’m not sure how I became this way - this extreme version of myself. To be honest, I don’t really like it. It has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion. So the magnet is good for me - Live in Balance. Harv reminds me of it on a daily basis. I asked him yesterday if he had known this about me before we got married, would he still have walked down the aisle? He said of coarse he would. But then he added with a smirk that he just would have gotten me into therapy before the wedding to have a head start. HaHa.

And so, the leaf break. In the case of my unbalanced leaf history, I will normally rake the entire yard – all 180 feet of it in one time frame, or I will not touch it. But not today. Today I am living in balance. Today I am raking for 20 minute time periods. And I may even have to leave some of it for tomorrow. I feel so liberated. Like I am growing. Changing. Becoming normal. Becoming balanced. And it's all because of a leaf break. And in an effort to continue that balance, I will not make it a leaf ending. I will now leave the leaving of the leaves and get back out there.

Blocked

I thought I should try and get on the ball here, since my sister is wiping the floor with me in her new found dedication to blogging. I’m not sure what is blocking me. It could be writer’s block, a time block, a block of flowing words, or even the physical block of junk and clutter that seems to have crowded me out of my office. Maybe it is a mixture of all things. I do know this…I do have the desire. I even have a few things to say that may amuse and charm you. I just can’t seem to translate that to this screen.

I feel blocked in a lot of ways. I was going to add “lately” to that last statement, but in reality, it is a condition that has been plaguing me for some time now. About 30 years or so. I feel blocked in my creativity, in my self discovery, in my communication and ability to honestly relay how I feel about things. I feel blocked in my dreams and in my ability to make them happen. I feel blocked in my pursuit of joy and freedom and wholeness. I feel blocked in my ability to keep my house clean, and keep up with some very basic life functions. I feel blocked in my relationship with God. That is probably the most troubling of them all. And maybe if that block was removed, all the other blocks would crumble down as well. What do you do when you feel blocked? Or am I the only one in the world that feels this way? I fear that I may be.

If only it was as easy to overcome life blocks as it is to recover from writer’s block. All I have to do for that is come up with some quirky story, discovery or day to day rambling of my life and turn it into a tale. It doesn’t seem so easy when it comes to dreams of life, or a pursuit of a God that seems far away.

So today I am trying to remove some blocks. I am writing even though I don’t know what to say. I am cleaning even though it seems like a never ending fight with clutter. I am reading even though the heavens seem silent.

I may even make some fiber muffins…just in keeping with the theme of the day.

The Beauty of Balance

A Post!!! It's a Christmas Miracle!!!

Not a lot of time for posting these days, what with all the decorating, card writing, party planning, banquet going and gift wrapping. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year. I do tend to agree with this sentiment, but I also tend to prefer my life to take a less frenzied pace. I guess frenzied is what happens when you are trying to fit all good things and all important traditions into a couple of weeks. This morning I woke up and the scene out my office window took my breath away. It was such a glistening, perfect snow with hoarfrost and untracked beauty. It looked like a Christmas card, and for a moment I forgot my to-do list and my “wish-I-could-ofs” and just felt peace. Peace, quiet and unhurried rest.

These days my inner-Mary and my inner-Martha seem to be in constant conflict. Throw in my inner-child, my inner-romantic and my inner-Mennonite and you have a real battle. Part of me wants to sit and reflect and enjoy the season, while the other wants to be decking the halls and adding the tinsel in great perfected placement. Part of me doesn’t want to miss a single element, and the other wants to hole up in the house, cuddled with my hubby by the candlelit glow like some scene from a sappy Christmas movie. Oh and one part thinks its all just too ding danged expensive and wants to forget the whole season. You can guess which inner part that particular sentiment comes from.

I guess once again the theme of my life is finding balance. It is hard to rest and be a Mary, when you really do enjoy all the trimming and fuss of being a Martha. I think that if I would boycott all the glitz and garland that the Better Homes and Gardens magazines portray, I would feel like something was missing. Something that I really enjoy. But on the other hand, I don’t want to get so caught up in that sort of thing that I don’t take time to quietly enjoy the true meaning of the season.

So this year I am trying to get a nice mix between my frenetic days and my days of tranquility. I am mixing a few home days into the schedule between the days of hustle and bustle. I am baking, but only one or MAYBE two things. I am being a Christmas hostess, but only for ONE party. I am sending Christmas cards, but only to the church and not to every person that I have ever made acquaintance with in my lifetime. And for the first time in five years I didn’t even THINK of adding “Christmas letter” to my list of things to do (which incidentally never gets done even if it IS on the list).

So today is a tranquil day. Today I am taking in the view from my office window, feeling peace and truly enjoying the Christmas season. Mind you, I am enjoying it even more because of my festive Better Homes and Gardens looking living room, but that my friends is the beauty of a little thing called balance.

We now Interrupt our Regular Un-Scheduled Programming

I feel happy. It was a good night, and I just wanted to write a quick post and say exactly that. We had our first official small group meeting tonight. I guess I wouldn’t really call it a meeting...it was more of a gathering than a meeting. And there was food involved. Good food. I made spaghetti – A LOT of spaghetti. I have issues when it comes to making the proper amount of spaghetti. But that isn’t new to you is it?

So the small group thing…I feel happy. And I feel relieved that I feel happy. When Harv told me this summer that we were starting up small groups in the fall for those interested, I felt a bit nervous. I have commitment issues. That is, I have some hesitations to commit to anything on a regular basis…such as a weekly Bible study, or weekly…whatever. It just makes me nervous. I feel like we are busy enough as it is, and so I don’t like to cement too many things in as “regulars” in the schedule. I mean I do have my regular date with Grey’s Anatomy and the weekly drumstick addiction. And then of coarse there is my weekly Weight Watchers meeting to try and combat the nasty side effects of this aforementioned addiction. But other than that, the weeks just fill up naturally.

But I was feeling a stirring in me with this small group thing. And so I took the risk, and joined. Well, I didn’t really join…I actually consented to lead it in partnership with Hubby. And so tonight was our first meeting. I was hoping that the risk would pay off. I was hoping that this would be a positive thing for me. I was giving myself pep-talks all afternoon about being myself, and being real and not letting the politician in me rear her ugly head (or rather – lovely, and charming life-of-the-conversation fake head).

And so, it was a good night. And there was the beginning of group bonding. And there was talk of fun and learning, and relationship, and events involving chocolate. And I felt at ease. And I felt like me. And I felt hope for good things to come. I have something officially cemented in as a regular in my schedule. And it’s a good thing. And it was a good night. And I feel happy.

Stepping Off the Platform

This week Saskatchewan held their provincial election, and so I did my civic duty and headed to the voting station. Now there is one thing that you should know about me: I do not have a political bone in my body. I have no interest, I have no opinion, and I really have no desire to even vote. I pathetically admit that we got in the car and Harv told me who we were voting for. Sigh.

I did wonder however if my vote was REALLY valid, seeing as how I had not researched what any of the parties stood for. Harv reassured me that he had indeed done all the researching for me. What a sweetheart. I knew I could count on him in a pinch. The whole thing seemed a little bit of an inconvenience, but I did however have fun messing with Harv by indicating that I was going to vote for “the enemy” simply because I preferred the hairstyle of that certain politician.

We never discussed politics growing up. There was never time amid all the discussions of farming. I still to this day have no knowledge of my parent’s political standing (thought I am sure I could guess...). I remember once asking my dad who he was voting for, and he wouldn’t tell me. So needless to say, there was not a lot of political teaching around the dinner table.

And so, I don’t know a lot about politics, and yet, with that being said, I feel like I know more about being a politician than most. In fact – I am so good at acting like one, that I am considering running for office. I feel like I have become so polished at saying the right things, schmoozing the crowds, kissing babies, and not letting a thing come out of my mouth without thinking of the PR ramifications. And you know what? I am tired. I am ready to step down. I am tired of doing all things in a hope to win the favor of the people. Lately I have started to feel like I am losing myself. Like I am on a platform and don’t even know what I am standing for; or voting without knowing who I am voting for.

And so today I wonder if it is true what they say - once a politician ALWAYS a politician? Can you ever go back to just being you after so many years of being…someone else? And after all this time can you even distinguish between the real you and the politician you?

And so today, I am stepping off the platform. As my first duty as a non-politician, I am ending this post right here. I don’t have the answers. I can’t tie this up in a properly spinned, PR appropriate bow. All I know is that I am ready for a change. For a new, more real, less politically correct me. I have no idea what that is going to look like, but I do know that for the first time in a long time, it’s something I feel excited about voting for.

Disembodied Words

It is amazing to me how much time I can spend thinking about this blog of mine. The quest for writing material has become somewhat of an obsession in my life. I find my office littered with scraps of paper containing post ideas and potential article fodder that were scribbled down to prevent the risk of forgetting. I wander through life creating various diatribes in my head knowing that my faithful readers will find a source of amusement, or be drawn into some sort of thoughtful reflection. I cannot tell you how many times I have grinned at my husband and said those all too familiar words: “I am SO blogging about THIS!”.

Now one would think that with this wealth of potential writing material this blog would be the most happening, ever-changing place on the World Wide Web. Sadly I realize that this is most definitely not the case. In fact, it seems that lately I have been hard pressed to come up with even a few posts in a matter of a month. The question of why this is circles around in my brain, as day after day the scraps of paper multiply, and day after day, I can’t seem to put my contemplation to composition.

A few of my blogging friends have joined NaBloPoMo which is basically a challenge to post something every day for the month of November. When I read of this challenge I laughed and thought “There is absolutely NO WAY I could pull that off!” which is an attitude of realism that is somewhat unusual for me, as I am more of a leaper and not a looker, so to speak. Take for example the Christmas I bought materials to paint the entire congregation wooden tree ornaments to add in with their card. That didn’t happen. Or the time I sewed 50 little angel bodies to complete for a craft fair. I now have 48 little bags of decapitated stuffing sitting on my shelf. I have jumped in with both feet on more than one occasion only to fall flat on my nose.

For some reason I knew that this NaBloPoMo was a challenge that I could not pull off. So sadly, this is not an announcement that you will be getting a daily dose of my thoughts to swallow with your morning coffee. But rather I would like to say that, I feel inspired. Or maybe challenged is more appropriate. I want to think about what stops me from writing here on a regular basis, and I am hoping that will translate into more posts for the future. I want to believe that I was indeed called to be a writer and not just a researcher (though incidentally, if you own a blog and need writing material – I’m your girl). I want discover why all the words in my head are not so easily translated to my screen.

And frankly, I’d like to clean all these scrap papers off my desk. They are starting to pile up and overtake the disembodied angels and naked tree ornaments.