The Final Frontier

Every so often I get the urge to do a little surfing in the blogosphere. I look around hoping to feel inspired, but usually end up just feeling badly about myself and my lack of dedication to my own blog. A while back I found a blog that made me pause in my surfing and self-bemoaning. This blog had a final post. A goodbye. It simply stated that at one point her blog had been important to her and was fulfilling in a particular time in her life when she needed it. Then she stated that this time was over and she was putting the blog to rest. Goodbye. Thanks for the memories. See you around. That was it. No turning back.

I read her farewell and just had this great sense of closure. Relief even. She just pulled the plug. No dragging things out.

It made me think of my own blog. I am dragging things out. Limping out slowly. Dragging myself to the finish line when I should just take myself out of the race. I have struggled with this blog for some time now. I have been unsure how to carry on when my whole world has changed. The birth of Sam has changed my life in so many ways. There is hardly time to be dedicated to a blog, when one struggles to even fit in basic hygiene practices. But even more than the time factor, I feel like I have changed. This blog is so much the old me. The before me.

I need a change. I need a new blog to represent a new life. A new me.

So, I am saying farewell to my beloved old friend Another day of…. I have loved you little blog. Good bye. Thanks for the memories. See you around. And I am saying hello to a new blog. A blog that is in the works. And it may just be time to bring it to the world. If you would like to be a part of this new venture, send me an email at sfjanzen@hotmail.com or leave your email in the comments section, and when it is ready, I will send you the link.

And for everyone else, who may choose not to follow…I wish you good bye. And thank you.

What we have been busy with around here...

Birthday Baby

My little Sam turned one this month. ONE.
My mother heart has lots of feelings but there are no words.

Seriously. NO WORDS.

But there are pictures.

And there WAS cake!

My friend Julie made an AWESOME cake for our little monkey. It was his first taste of complete unrestricted, unbridled sugar.

He liked it.

He really really liked it.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby!

Hello!?!

Oh hello little blog. How I have missed you.

I do actually miss blogging when I am not doing it. But sometime it starts to feel like just another thing on my list to and I get this urge to shut the whole thing down. I am always glad that I don't listen to that urge, as when I do come back, I feel the excitement one feels when reconnecting with a long lost friend. So here I am.

And here is the skinny on what's been going on...

1. Not me. Skinny that is. But I did manage to dust off my treadmill and actually clock a few miles on it. And I managed to do it without a chocolate bar in hand. So I am two for two.

2. We celebrated Sam's first birthday. It was an awesome day that deserves it's own post, which is coming once I can download the pictures.

3. I got a new camera to capture all the fabulous poses of my little Sam. Unfortunately I have no idea how to download pictures from it, and haven't had time to dig out the manual.

4. We have been getting pretty busy around here, and so I have decided to block off Thursdays as my home day. Mommy and Sammy day. Pajama Day. Good times. Maybe it will also become my posting day?!

5. I have lots to talk about, but everything feels like an idea for a separate post. So I guess this will just be a little shout out to see if anyone is still out there.

I think I am going to go dig out that camera manual now. Can't wait to show you the pics of the birthday boy eating his chocolate cake. Good times.

Bursting the Bubble

I have been going about normal living the last few days. But normal has not felt...normal. I have been trying just to think about the things that I normally think about. But my mind is continually drawn back to thoughts of Haiti. My heart feels heavy.

I have never been a news watcher. I don't like watching it, and actually avoid watching for the most part (unless I am missing Harv and want to spend some quality (?) time with him). The news makes me sad and anxious and just generally worried about different situations. It is just easier if I don't watch, and pretend that their lives have nothing to do with my life.

Shamefully, this is generally how I feel. Separate. Not affected by the wars and strife and political unrest and poverty and lostness of the world around me. Why is it so easy to live in a little unaware bubble?

But once in a while something happens. Something like this earthquake in Haiti, and it is impossible to keep up the indifferent separation. It is too huge. Too horrible. Too close to home - even though it is so far away. And then I know why it is easier to live unaware - because being aware makes me feel helpless. And inconsequential.

My heart breaks for the people of Haiti. They are people like us. People with families and friends. People with plans for the weekend, and projects on the go. People learning how to be mothers to new babies. Teenagers with self esteem issues. Couples with joys and struggles in marriage. People who laugh and cry; who share memories together and pray together. Different people who are just like us. Who went to bed at night with their to do list for the next day. Who kissed their husbands good bye and sent them to work. Who rocked their babies while thinking of their hopes and dreams for the future. Who had no idea how in an instant their life would change forever.

And now things will never be the same.

And my heart hurts for their hurt. And I pray that God would be a safe, secure shelter in a time when everything has crumbled down around them. And I pray that they will feel our love across this big world, that just maybe isn't quite so big after all.

Hmmmm

More posts, less point.

Apparently I am all talk.

Sigh.

Randomly Lowering my Expectations

I was trying to figure out why it is such a struggle for me to keep up with this blog. Clearly I am able to post every day when I am actually committed to doing it. My reasoning is, that when one writes every day there is a certain amount of randomness expected. I mean let's face it, my life isn't that interesting. There is a certain amount of idle chit chat and filler that is acceptable in the context of every day forced writing. When I am not doing something like NaBloPoMo, I have much higher expectations on myself to come up with something "noteworthy". Thus the lack of writing. There is a fair amount of fuzz head that I am dealing with these days. It is a combination of lack of sleep and baby on the brain. Not a lot of noteworthiness going around in my head as of late. So I have decided to take it down a notch. Lower my expectations. More regular posting, less...um...point to my posts. How does that sound?

So here is what's floating around my head today...

~ I was watching Cityline the other morning. Apparently "Deer Decor" is really in this year. Wicker deer, sparkly deer, or country deer. Deer with lights, deer without lights, and so on and so forth. You name it. If it is deer related, then you are with it. Shortly after, I saw a family of four deer leaping across my front lawn. I love it. I am so up with the times.

~I cannot believe how much Harv and I love our new church. I am still trying to figure out a way to actually post some of my thoughts on this without offending those readers from my former church.

~ The two rooms in my house that are causing me the most annoyance on a daily basis are my kitchen and my office. I cannot seem to get a handle on either. It does not seem to matter how much I work on them, they are always messy. My mom is coming over tomorrow. I am hoping she can help me with this. Or at least entertain Sam so that I can deal with this.

~ I am also hoping that she can wash my floors. I hate washing floors. Then maybe I won't have to roll Sam off with the lint brush every time he slides around the floor collecting dust. He is like a mini swiffer.

~ I should return some phone calls tonight. I have so many people I need to call. It is a wonder I have any friends at all.

~ Sigh

~ That is a self-loathing, guilt-swimming sigh from the phone call comment.

~ I wonder if I could convince Amy to come for a visit. Even though it is most definitely "my turn to come down". (Please?!?!?)

~ Sigh

~ I should really be cleaning my office instead of writing on my blog.

~ I wonder how long my readers will keep coming back if I just post my random thinking every day?

Hey.

Hey all. Computer is back up and running. The good news? Only a virus...totally fixable. Not the carnage that I was dreading. So that is very good.

In other news...I am snug as a bug in a rug. Spending my days out and about and my evenings at home, cuddled under a blanket while the tree lights twinkle and the pyrotechnic blaze of my obsessive Christmas candles threatens to ignite our house on fire, but still warms me from the outside in. Ahhh good days. I love Christmas. I love these first days of winter when I still love winter, and haven't started to hate it yet.

Off to bed. Just thought some might be missing me as I have been missing you.

Going Out with No Bang...

...but rather, a crash.

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo. There is a general sense of relief that this is over, out there among my fellow bloggers. I am on the fence. I actually did not find it too much of a stress...other than the days when Sam was sick. (Which come to think of it was almost half of the month.) I didn't actually mind the forced regularity. Kind of like bran for bloggers. I kinda liked it. Maybe it will be the catalyst for more regular posting in the future.

But back to the crash. Can you sense that something is just not quite right today? I know you can't...but it is staring me right in the face...quite literally. I am on Harv's laptop today.(Don't get me started on my personal disdain for laptops. That is another subject for another post.) I was searching on line for some info regarding the list (because I believe in well researched, truthful journalism) when all of a sudden...crash. My computer picked up a virus or something equally devastating to it (and to me personally). So now...it is on a ventilator and I am not sure if they can save it. OK...not quite so dramatic...but it is in the "shop" and "they" (the smart ones) are working on it. I really REALLY hope that they can save it. I would be DEVASTATED to loose everything on that computer. (I actually sound pretty calm, considering last evenings complete and total meltdown.)

So here I am...the 30th post on the 30th day. And I wanted to go out with a bang. But there is no bang. There is no celebration (though I do feel a tremendous amount of personal satisfaction for pulling this off). There is no interesting diatribe, or witty banter. It is just me...limping my way to the finish line on a dumb laptop. A little anti-climactic I think.

But just to show you that we still do know how to have a good time around here, here is Sam, sporting a new do to cheer on Mommy...

See you next year! (Or maybe tomorrow...)

If SHE can do it...

...then so can I.

THERE. I posted.