Creatively Expressing My Lack of Creativity

So Harv is out tonight at a Superbowl party. A night of football and big screen TV; what could please him more? I on the other hand am still fighting the germ pandemic of 2007, which now has been downgraded to a bad cold. I was supposed to go tonight as well, and knowing my love of all night sport-fests, I’m sure you are sensing just how broken up I am about having to miss this. And now I have a whole evening to myself. What to do? What to do? What I do know is that it will have to involve some sort of chick flick, and some form of creative expression (that would be crafts, not interpretive dance…though I could do that as well).

For some reason this night of opportunity doesn’t please me. Lately I have been discovering a painful truth about myself – I don’t handle “me time” all that well. Now don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I don’t like to be alone. It’s not even that I have no hobbies or interests to occupy my time. That is not the problem. The problem, is that I have too many. Should I paint? Should I read? Should I make cards? Should I dust off that old Bass guitar that I haven’t touched in a year? I could work on this journally-scrapbooky thing that I’ve started. I could finish painting the tray I promised to a good friend of mine. I could make Harv a hand-made-with-love Valentine’s card, so that we don’t have a repeat of last year’s debacle. I get so overwhelmed by all of the choices that I usually end up doing none of the things that I hoped for. And then when hubby gets home I’m all grumpy because I didn’t do what I wanted to do, because I could not figure out what that was! I don’t do what I want to do, because I don’t know what it is that I want to do. Do you think that there is any chance in Romans when Paul is talking about the good that he wants to do, that he does not do, that he could be referring to crafts?

Ahh but it’s more than just too many choices. I have issues. Yes I will admit it. I’m sure there are lots of underlying things that are swimming around in this brain of mine, blocking my goals, hampering my full potential. For example, the all or nothing syndrome, the need for perfection reeking havoc in all things peaceful and pleasurable, the fears, the indecision, the insecurities, I could go on and on. My mom said that when she does find the time to paint she realizes the talent that she has built up in her head falls a little short on the canvas. I know that blocks me as well. In my head, I am a fabulous painter. I could be a regular Thomas Kinkaide…ahem…um…but I just can’t find the time. I know that I should really see someone to sort through all this stuff, but I am afraid that I won’t be able to narrow down which one of my many issues I would like to discuss with my shrink. Then I will feel upset that we didn’t discuss what I felt that we should be discussing during our discussion.

I really WANT to partake in creativity. At least I THINK I do. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I just don’t know myself. Maybe I would rather be watching football than being at home doing crafts!! THAT’S IT!!! Wow…maybe this is a defining moment that you are all witnessing here…a real moment of self discovery. I am a sports lover, not a crafts lover! Oh hubby, you wish…I couldn’t like sports if I tried. Seriously.

Well I don't know if I can figure this all out, but at the end of the night, at least there is one thing that I know about myself…ONE form of creative expression that I actually partake in, and not just think about…writing. And oh look…at least I can say that I did ONE thing that I wanted to do tonight…this post!! Now everything is right in my little world. I better go cancel that appointment with my shrink.