Father Time is Calling. Can I Screen His Call?

I feel old. Old, as in…past my prime. On the downhill slide of my life. Old. Old, as in, what have I done with my life? What happened to me? Old old old. It was not always this way. In fact – just yesterday I was feeling pretty young. Peppy. Youthful. I was out celebrating a birthday lunch for one of the church ladies. Inevitably, the subject of age came up, as it so often does when a birthday is being celebrated. And as usual the subject of my youth came up. It is easy to feel young and vibrant when you are still the “baby” of the church family. There are not too many of us "younger" women around (other than the youth group of coarse). But I am talking 30ish women. There are about 3 of us. So usually I feel pretty young in comparison. Yep…I was feeling pretty good. A little swelling of the head in youthful pride. A little warm feeling in my heart. Yes, I was pretty happy for me. Yeah me. Me me me.

BUT…oh how the tide can turn, and when you are not looking pride can come and give you a big swift kick in the derrière. Yes, I have been put in my place. Last night we attended “Raise the Roof”. This is a worship event with the youth of Yorkton. We have not attended too often this year, but we try to go, since I guess I am considered the youth leader of the church, and we want to support our youth. Well last night I looked around in wonder. When did the youth get SO YOUNG? Why does it seem that they are all about 12 years old? And why do they want to dress like they are 24? And while I was thinking, when did the youth get to be so young, the thought struck me…when did I get to be SO OLD?!

The other kicker was this…this month at Raise the Roof they happened to have a special worship team come in from no other than my old Alma Mater – Millar College of the Bible. Well, of coarse I was thrilled. I rushed to the display table to relive the old memories (because after all – it was only like…last week right? Certainly they would remember me!! Ha ha.) Well my first downfall came when I found not my cousins – but my cousin’s KIDS in the yearbook. How did that happen? Aren’t they like…10 years old? Boy they are letting them in Bible School young these days!! Ok – I was feeling a little wounded by that kick to my youthful pride, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. I enjoyed the program. I was reliving the memories – though I don’t remember us having that many instruments in our worship, and looking that cool when we led them. After, I went up to one of the band members with my normal Millar alumni exuberance, and proudly announced that I was, ahem (chest puffed out in pride) also a Millar student at one time. Well, instead of having the happy reunion that I was anticipating – he looked at me rather blankly, (with a little “that’s nice old timer” smile) and said - “Oh ya.” That was it. HELLO?!?! I wanted to shake him. “OK…maybe you didn’t understand what I said…I went to Millar!!” “Hey – wipe that look off your face…We RAN that school!! Our student body were some of Millar’s FINEST. There are none like us!!” “We were legendary…you must know me. I ran the Social Cabinet for crying out loud!!!” “Claudette and I hid inside the school at night and slept on the trampoline. This is stuff that legends are made of – you MUST have heard of me!!!” sigh. But there was no recognition…not even a spark. No feeling of kinship. My time had passed. It was now their time. They were now the ones ruling the school and making the memories.

Life has a cruel way of moving us along. Before you know it, the one stage that you were in has moved along to a new stage. A less desirable stage? Well for some maybe…but not for all. A different stage. I think that there will always be times in your life that you look back on and long to return to…maybe just for a minute…not forever. Yes, I am getting old. We all are. The days are passing by, and I often wonder about what I am doing with my life. At the end of every day, we look at another day gone…and another moment passed…always changing, always moving us along. And sometimes I wish that it could all stop!! Let me figure out what I am doing with this stage before life moves me on to another! But it never slows down. And so we roll with the punches and live each moment and grow with each moment, or we sit in sadness and look back and grieve for the days that we wish that we could recapture. But no matter what we choose, life is moving along.

This little talk that I have been having with myself here is leading me down a strange mingling path of motivation and despair. But that is often the way of self discovery. I WANT to be the kind of person that embraces every stage of life and lives each moment with an attitude of self discovery. That is what I want. But realistically, I am more like the person that hides in the closet and hopes that when Father Time comes knocking at the door, he will think I'm not home and carry on his merry way. I often look back in longing and what if’s. I could never be accused of living for the moment. I wonder…when we are not living for the moment, does that mean that for the moment you are - not living? I am going to purposefully start embracing the here and now of my life. Oooohhh…baby steps…I am going to PRAY that I can purposefully start embracing the here and now. And who knows…maybe someday I will be looking back to this stage in my life with longing and fondness of memory. But for now I should go…it’s mid afternoon…where has the time gone?