The Sweet and Sour of Home Sweet Home

We are home now. Did you even know that we were gone? We have been all over the country…in Saskatoon for meetings, to the Whiteshell for relaxing and holidays, and to a camp near Regina for the annual Pastor’s Retreat. We have been tearing up the miles on our car for the last 2 weeks, and finally we are home. I love coming home. I know I have said this again and again, but I really do. I love sleeping in my own bed. I love showering in my own shower. I love not living out of a suitcase. I love our house. I love our cat. I love my routine. Home is good. It really is.

But there are two sides to being at home, and today I am feeling the sting of the dark side of coming home. This doesn’t come when you walk in the door. This doesn’t even come when the meals have to be cooked or the laundry has to be done. This comes when people realize that you are home, and life takes over. Phones are ringing and emails are waiting to be answered. Requests are pouring in... “Can you sing on worship team this Sunday?” “Can you come decorate the church for Thanksgiving on Saturday?” “Can you do this?” “Can you do that?” There are questions that need answers, plans that need planning and sweet and sour meatballs that need rolling for Sunday’s potluck. Then there is the guilt kicking in of – I should phone so and so, and them and they. It’s all a little overwhelming. Its life calling and I wish I wasn’t home to answer. It makes me want to leave again – to go back to the cabin and hide. But on the other side, I don’t want to go back to the cabin, because you know my feelings of being at home, and how I love it. Sigh.

Maybe it’s not home that holds the dark side, but rather my life. Can I even say that out loud without stirring the masses to get up in arms with speeches of thankfulness, and how I have it so good? I am not ready to face that (the speeches, or the depressing implications of such a statement) so I will not go any further with those thoughts. Rather, I will say – today I am extending our vacation. I am declaring a vacation day at home. I am staying home today. I am shirking responsibilities, and shrugging off guilt and “you should’s”. I am leaving the phone unanswered and the door unopened (I know that would absolutely mortify my father, so if anyone REALLY needs to chat, call him…he will always answer.).

I know this may sound depressing to some of you. And maybe in truth I am a little depressed. I know I can’t hide forever. But today I can. And maybe tomorrow, when life comes calling, I will not feel the need to screen its call. Maybe I’ll be ready. Just maybe.