They Like Me!!! They REALLY REALLY Like Me!!!!

Well if admittance is the first step to recovery, then by all means, let the road to healing begin…Hi, my name is Shirley, and I am a glory hound. Yes, that is what I said – a glory hound. This little tidbit of self awareness has been brought to my attention compliments of … you guessed it…this blog. It’s all about the blog people. Yes, the blog…it has been the joy of my days for several months now. But I am finding a disturbing trend. No more disturbing than some of the other quirks about me, that cause my husband daily to get this funny little grin as he says “Oh Sweetie”, but disturbing enough to be blog worthy. I am finding the disturbing trend of a rising or plummeting self-assurance based on the responses in the blog. It’s just not right people. This is not my shining hour! Look away…I’m hideous!! Take for example the last few days. The comments from others in the blog have been plentiful – causing great rejoicing, motivation for blogging, dancing in the streets and a steady hum of the tune “I have Confidence” sung as boldly as only Maria Von Trapp herself could have sung it. But then there are the days where there is nary a comment and one has to wonder…is anyone reading this? I have questioned a 15 year friendship…”No comments…why is she not responding? I have sent her this address three times… She doesn’t love me...” Yes…it is THAT pathetic. Glory Hound. That is what I am. Just looking for the praise of the people. It’s sad really. Let’s not mention the joy and fulfillment that I am finding in simply exercising my creative writing skills. Let’s not think about the chuckles I get coming up with a few zany topics. What about the quality time I get to spend with Abby as she plays by my feet (or rather WITH my feet) or sits and watches me all curled up on my desk? Doesn’t that count for anything?

This sad revelation causes me to wonder…how many other times in my life do I act as if the whole world is a stage, and I am just waiting for the standing ovation? Why do I judge my value according to a four star review? I grew up in a household where affirmation wasn’t handed out too freely. Sorry Mom…but, well... you know it’s true. So don’t you think that I would have learned the skill of self-approval, after all the years of practice? If anything, it seems to make me seek it even more. And I wonder – is that why I find this ministry that we are in so difficult? The expectations are very high, and the affirmation is very low. My dad gave me a “Hmmmmpph…you don’t need to go looking for a pat on the back for every little thing…” last time I shared these thoughts with him. And yes that is true, but why do I still do it? And why do I give others the right to determine my value and worth, when all I need is the approval of the ONE the really matters… God? He is the one that thinks that I am something special. But does He have the address to this blog?!? I guess on the other side of the coin I have to wonder – how many times have I withheld approval, and encouragement and blessing on others that need it, deserve it, and are looking for it? How many times have I had the opportunity to praise, but have chosen to remain silent? If I am so sadly wanting it, isn’t there a chance that others may feel the same way? I pray that I will not withhold genuine affirmation to those around me who need it.

And let me say as I close this little session of self reflection…for those of you that comment on my blog. THANKS. It fills this quirky little heart of mine with joy. And for those of you who don’t…its ok…I am seeking professional help. You are helping on that journey. (o: